A Gravy-like Passion
by coolio'sdreams
Summary: A painting will bring together two lost lovers... Will Guy Fieri recapture the reader's heart?
1. Chapter 1

Today's the day. Today's the day of your gallery opening. You had somehow managed to convince the director to allow you to hang 7 of your pieces in his gallery. You knew you could use a break- you had graduated with honors from Pratt 3 years ago. You knew it was unrealistic to expect much success at this point in your life, but you couldn't stop yourself from dreaming of the day when you would 'make it.' You hadn't had your work shown in a gallery since your senior project, so you needed every chance you could get.

You squared your shoulders and walked through the glass double doors of the gallery. You wandered over to your pieces to see how many people were looking at them: just a few. You looked across the room and saw a painting you hadn't noticed when you were here hanging your stuff. It was an abstract landscape- red earth, grey sky. You walked slowly across the gallery floor, transfixed. You had always been indifferent to other people's art, competitive little weasel that you were. You halted a foot in front of the painting. You stared at it for the duration of the opening, fielding questions from patrons with your characteristic monosyllabic grunts.

Suddenly, a smoky, spicy voice flowed like A1 Steak Sauce into your left ear.

"I wanted you to think of me when you saw it." It was your old flame, Guy Fieri. He looked longingly at you with his beady little eyes.

"I thought I'd never see you again," you said, reaching out to rub his barbecue sauce-drenched bib between your thumb and forefinger.

"Oh ye of little faith," he said, smiling a little. There was gravy leaking out of the corner of his mouth. He stepped closer to you and whispered sweet, greasy nothings into your left ear. It tickled. He wrapped an arm around your waist, resting his oily sausage fingers on your artificial hip. "God, you're so beautiful. You remind me of a gorgeous burger I ate on my show once."

You smiled. You knew he had a triple D story coming on. You loved your Guy, you really did, but you couldn't abide his long-winded tales of episodes past. As he was talking, Guy cuddled you even closer. You felt the porcupine quills of of his spiny hair poke into your cheek as he rested his head upon your shoulder. He suddenly stopped telling his story. You looked down at him.

"Pat my belly," he said, looking up at you piteously. Blushing heavily, you obliged, feeling his stomach gurgle enthusiastically. It was so loud, it jiggled.

Suddenly, Guy began to vomit explosively. Chunks of burger were spewing out of his mouth. You chortled warmly. Your dough boy was always overeating. You dipped a finger into one of the expansive puddles of half-digested burger, and sucked it clean, never breaking eye contact with your Guy. He giggled mischievously.

"I don't know if you should eat that, my snurkle," your juicy bun said.

"Why not, my dumpling?" you said, still working on one of the burger chunks.

"Because, my ham sandwich, I'M PREGNANT."

 **DUN DUN DUN!111 To be Continued? 0:**


	2. Chapter 2

**CHapeter 2 as promised guyz!11 Also thx 2 Raven of the Shadows for the review but it's so totally NOT a Harry Potter story lol**

"Pregnant?" you spluttered. Guy just nodded. "But how? I haven't seen you in years."

"I have my ways," he said mischievously. "Anyway, I needed my ace in the whole."

"What's that supposed to mean?" you gargled. Guy started to sob loudly and aggressively.

"I was afraid you wouldn't take me back. I thought if you knew I was having your baby you'd decide the best thing would be to settle down with me. Please, my little bacon burger, I need you. When we're apart I think about going vegan." He shuddered.

"I'm sorry Guy, but yo know how I feel about children."

"I know, I know," He whimpered, rtears of ketchup streaming down his rotund cheeks.

"I can't stay with you if you're going to be this way," you growled. You HATED kids with a violent passion rivaling that of Guy against sushi.

"Please stay with me, my iceburg lettuce. I can't live without you." The puddles of vomit were crying too. The air was thick with the wails of the bereaved.

"Shut up!F" you yealled. "How dare you question my decisions! I don't care if you die. There's no way that baby could be mine; we haven't seen each other for at least seven years."

"It is yours! It is yours!" Guy screamed, using his best Juulia Child impression."I thought of you when it was conceived, so ti is yours."

"Really? Oh all right. Out of curiosity, who is your honey-honey?"

Guy took a deep breath, as though steeling himself. "You're not gonna believe this," he said breathlessly, "but it was...Gordon Ramsay!1"

"NO!" you screamed. "He was mine to bag!11"

"I know, my baby-back ribs, but I couldn't resist that... accent," Guy moaned.

"You mean you were seduced!?" you gasped. "Oh my precious cinnamon roll frosting, did he hurt you?"

"Not with his hands- with his words like canned chicken."

"Oh my little mustard stain!1"

"'Tis true." SUddenly, Guy turned into Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights. He stuck his head through the window and started screaming the lyrics to "Everyone I know is Dead" by Type O Negative.

"I love myself for hating you," he screeched like a squeaking sausage. His long, dark, curly hair streamed out behind him. You ran out of the manor as he reached the chorus. The woods surrounding the building were wild and untamed like your kleptomania. Heathcliff's voice drifted out of the gallery, a sweet miasma on the gluttonous breeze. You stopped and gazed up at the full moon. YOur love had died that day, died like the gerbil you had when you were 10. You thought about going back in for him, but decided not to because you didn't feel like having the responsibility of being a parent. Who needs that, anyway?

 **PlOtT tWiSt!1111! what do you think? please review!11 Should I continue?**


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry I didn't update for al long tiem. Plz r + r!**

Heathcliff's wailing filled the air around you, lifting you off your feet and carrying you gently back into the gallery. His hair was caught in the window unit.

"Please. Please help me," he moaned softly. His voice was as soft as 8 month old jello that's been sitting in the back of the fridge, silently begging you to enjoy its moist delights. "I need you," Heathcliff purred. You could see the outline of the kidney you had donated to him several years ago in his lower back. It was pulsating faintly. You knew that he knew that the sight of his kidney could send you into a sexual feeding frenzy. Your saliva slid sweetly down your chin and over your delicate chest, coming to rest in a puddle at your bionic feet. It was a thing of beauty, opally swirls dancing desperately on its shimmery surface.

"You know I can't," you said, whimpering just a bit. "You know I hate children with a viciousness unrivaled by Jello Biafra's distaste for pants."

"But... but..." he whined.

"No. I'm sorry. I can't go on with you."

You turned on the spot, slipping on your pile of saliva, and falling into Heathcliff's rotund belly.

Just as your head got stuck in his prodigious navel, he magically transformed back into your magnificent Guy.

"You sexy thing! The spell has been broken!" You smiled at him, feeling turgid.

And they all went home for tea.

 **to be continued...? :0**


End file.
